


"But Pepper. . ."

by Chimata



Series: Marvel Movies My Way [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Everyone is Crazy, Gen, I sometimes see Bucky as stray animal that Tony would totally adopt, Nick Fury lives at the De Nile, Sillyness, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-09-03 06:18:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8700739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimata/pseuds/Chimata
Summary: Tony want's to adopt a would-be assassin because the hobo made sad eyes at him. Pepper really wants to say no and then question how she even got here. Probably has something to do with the billionaire who made sad eyes at her their first meeting. Sad eyes for the win, I have no idea what I am even doing anymore.100% Drabble.





	1. All Assassins Eventually Explode

**Author's Note:**

> I make all the mistakes and won nothing except the horrible word placement I call writing.  
> My mind went a wandering again even though it should be focused on the main story I am writing.  
> Enjoy.

“But Pepper…”

“No, Tony.”

“Pepper.”

“No.”

“Pep. Goddess of my soul. Light of my life.”

“Tony.”

“Come on Pepper. I need this.”

“He tried to kill you. He should be arrested by the authorities, most specifically, by SHIELD since the man got past both our security and JARVIS.”

“He didn’t try to kill me. He was sent to kill me and got enraptured by my magnetic personality. And Fury’s got a Russian ninja, why can’t I have one too?”

“If Director Fury jumped off a bridge, would you?”

“Yes because JARVIS would catch me.”

“Okay, fine. You want a Russian Ninja; we will just ask Fury to lend us Natasha for awhile.”

“I don’t want her. I want him. He understands my sci-fi jokes. He read Captain Future. He understands the beauty that is the 1969 Dodge Charger. He thinks I’m smart and flatters my intelligence. He actually looks forward to when JARVIS will rule the world after my death. He doesn’t yell Latin at me just because I said she was a duplicitous lying fairy muffin who should have let me stay in the huge doughnut.”

“What?”

“I was eating a doughnut in a doughnut Pepper. Keep up.”

“Fine. You are mad about Natasha lying to you about being an agent that’s completely understandable Tony but-”

“You're not mad because she gave you the hot Russian ninja sex.”

“But! But he could be lying too. His first attempt didn’t work out, and this whole being picked up by a crazy person is plan B.”

“Pepper I can’t be crazy. I got tested remember. Having a giant ego and refusing to share your toys does not make you crazy.”

“No. But bring home the person who was sent to kill you and steal the arc reactor does.”

“No. you see, you just don’t understand.”

“Right, I don’t understand how crazy your being.”

“You don’t understand that if I bring him home then his on my side and not the evil bastards side. See it’s actually ingenious.”

“Ingenious, right. Why do I put up with you? It is ingenious until the man betrays you, Tony.”

The insufferable man blinks as if the thought never even occurred to him. He then turns his waist to get a better view of the assassin still leaning by office entrance and whose eyes remained fixed to the floor. Pepper supposed the hobo ninja was trying to convince himself that if he couldn’t see her, then she couldn’t see him. “Are you going to betray me?”

Frosty blues slowly slid up focusing on the genius and practically ignoring Pepper’s entire existence. “No.” Pepper snorts while Tony beams at the man as if he performed a miracle.

“See there you go. Totally hundred percent trustworthy.”

“Tony, people lie.”

“Sure. Sure. But he’s just a sad hobo killer used by evil and as Ironman it is my sworn duty to give a helping hand.”

“Oh, really. It has nothing to do with the metal prosthesis attached to the sad hobo?” Tony flinches and Pepper holds in a smirk. She is finally started to gain some ground.

“How did you?”

“S.I. has excellent security Mr. Stark.”

The man slumps just a bit. Pepper knows she has won, already imagining how best to dump the assassin problem onto SHIELD and then the genius surprises her. He always surprises her.

“The arm is part of the reason, but his situation isn’t as simple as a terrible childhood made him decide that the best career option was to become a killer-for-hire. He thinks Asset is a perfectible useable name to use. I asked him what he wanted  for lunch-”

“You bought him lunch?!”

“Not the point. I asked him what he wanted, and his response was to stare at me like I asked him if potatoes made comfortable clothes. He got super excited when I bought him hot chocolate. Not even the good stuff, Pep. He got excited over the crap they give you at Starbucks. Frankly, I am more likely to trust the hobo than I am the pirate.” Tony straightens his back and crosses his arms as he stares Pepper down. His chin is even set in the stubborn line that’s becoming a common feature with his arguments, something she blames on the whole Ironman thing.

The CEO takes a peek at the man leaning against the door, hands in his pockets, hair covering his eyes and his whole body drawn into himself trying to take up as little space as possible. Overall, a sad hobo is an apt description especially with the hoodie Tony probably provided. “Tony. . .”

She made a mistake sympathizing with the unknown hobo and Tony knows it. His entire demure brightens, and the billionaire waves the other man over to sit in the last chair. “Okay, do the face I showed you with the puppies and remember to quiver the lower lip a little.”

John Doe nods face completely serious before turning to Pepper. The whole thing is just a perfect example of Tony being Tony. The assassin is peering up at her through his long hair and giving her some of the best puppy dog eyes Pepper has ever seen. He's even got the whole soulful wounded act down perfectly. For Darwin’s sake, Tony is going to keep his would-be killer, and she is going to let him. Fuck. “Fine. You can keep him but don’t come crying to me when the Russian ninja explodes everything around you.”

“I pretty sure I would laugh maniacally, not cry, Pepper.” He would; he totally would, and she still would end up cleaning the whole mess. Just last Saturday something exploded in the lab, and the man came running out laughing while his pants were on fire. Then kept on laughing until Dum-E sprayed him with a fire extinguisher. Maybe, she could get Fury to deal with it instead? It does involve a mysterious super soldier.

“Fine. I don’t care. What are you going to tell people when a hobo starts following you around?”

“He's my new bodyguard since Happy is all pouty because being the bodyguard for Ironman somehow makes him a wuss. Can you believe that?”

“The universe can’t always cater to your demands Tony.”

“If that were true, Rhodey would work for me, Hammer would be replaced by a more cunning sexy daughter, and I would be a space superhero with a talking raccoon sidekick.”

“Your life is so difficult.”

“I know it’s sad, deeply and truly.”

“Tony’s fantasy aside. What is your name, new bodyguard?”

The man’s eyes widen just a fraction before flicking across the room and settling on Tony. However, the genius offers no answer but does give the nervous assassin a smile and hand wave for him to answer Pepper. “Winter Soldier is my programs designation.” He licks his lips waiting gaze welded to Tony, who continues to smile encouragingly. “Um, and Jamie. I think Jamie is good. My memories of Jamie are soft and warm. Tony is warm, so Jamie. My name can be Jamie Winter?”

Pepper nods approving creating an employee file for one Jamie Winter and attaching the whole thing to Tony’s problem file. JARVIS will handle the rest. “Good. Is there anything else I can do for you? Perhaps, your own apartment near the main S.I. Building or maybe some clothes?” The man definitely needs clothes; preferably clothes bought for him instead of Tony’s hand-me- downs.

The question meant to reassure causes a slight tremor from the man. Before Pepper can really react Tony charges in. “Please, Pepper. He's my new bodyguard which means he must be ten feet near me at all times. He is my shadow, my shiny metal friend, my squishy JARVIS and to tear him away from me would be the highest of cruelty. In fact, he will stand above my bedside like a terrifying Russian angel while I bug the city of New York about my new tower.” For all but a few, Tony’s words were often grating inspiring impatience and annoyance, but Mr. Winter seemed to relax more with each new rabble. Not only relaxing but showing enjoyment as well.

Wait. “What new tower?”

“I have just decided Pepper. If the world wants the arc reactor we will sell it to them as totally green energy. To pave the way, Stark Tower as a shining example of my brilliance." More like another trophy for the long dead Howard Stark’s legacy.

“You mean, I will bug the city of New York while you play around.”

“Eh, semantics.” Tony quips while smacking his hand in the air at Pepper.

“How are we going to pay for this new tower? The Expo blew up, remember.”

“Arc reactor batteries in shiny new Stark computers. I’ve almost figured out how to miniaturize the holo-tech too.

“I am going to regret this entire day, aren’t I?”

“Most likely.” Winter deadpans.

Well, at least the cyborg got a sense of humor. His going to need it if the man hopes to keep his insanity in check.


	2. Hoodies are Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. My brain is totally fucking with me.  
> Bucky and Tony moment.

“Are you sure about this?”

“What? About getting you a new wardrobe, of course. You are a very sexy independent man who deserves to strut his stuff with an awesome look.” Tony quips as he compares one dress shirt against the cute cyborg while searching for another in a different color. He finds something in navy holding the shirt up for inspection for the man and gets vacant boredom as the only response “Don’t you have any preference for what you are going to wear? I feel like I’m dressing up my Spy Barbie doll again. I would like some kind of reaction please.”

“You played with dolls?” Everyone plays with dolls when they're young. It’s part of the whole growing imagination shit, and his aunt was Agent 13. Of course, he owned a Spy Barbie.

“That is not the response I was looking for.” The unhelpful jerk just shrugs and only barely glancing around every few minutes. “Okay. You win. Grab whatever because you do not fit in my clothes and you already stretched one of my favorite hoodies.”

“No, I meant are you sure about keeping me around? I did try to kill you.” Tony huffs. He knew that’s what Jamie meant, but in Tony’s defense, the former assassin has asked him that question multiple times already.

“We have been in New York for three days, and you are still asking me the same damn question. Do think I’m going to get struck by lighting and change my mind?” The man shrugs again pulling his cap over his gray eyes when some background character walks by. Tony shifts blocking Jamie’s view.      

“No. But it might finally sink in that you have invited a cold blooded murderer into your home.” Jamie is always so stiff, and even now his muscles are locked in preparation to take a hit.

Tesla and Newton, Tony feels sick and pissed for the man. A cold blooded murderer doesn’t flinch from soft touches, wear guilt like a worn coat forgotten upon their shoulders, or accept each choice life gives as if it is a unique wonder. If Winter is a cold blooded murderer, and Tony would bet his genius, it was not by his choice. “Is this about the whole trying to kill thing?” Another shrug. “Say to me, do you forgive me for trying to kill you?” The other man blinks. “Please say the question.”

“Do you forgive me for trying to kill you?”

“Yes, I do. I have blood on my hands too, and I hope one day the world can forgive me for being the Merchant of Death, so it would be a dick move to deny you my forgiveness. And I am an asshole but never a dick.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Now go pick out some clothes and remember to breathe if all the options freak you out.” Jamie gives Tony the bird before stalking, yes stalking like the stereotype his is, towards the more comfortable clothes section. Giving Tony a moment to scan the forms Pepper emailed about the new Stark Tower. Before Tony can get too bored by non-science stuff, a gentle touch pulls him from the hell that is paperwork. Winter pushes his stash under the genius’ nose for approval. “Is that a bunch of hoodies with one pair of jeans?” The man grunts as if caveman sounds counted for proper communication. “Yes or a no, snowdrop?”

“I like them. Hoodies.”

“A full sentence, awesome. But you need more clothes than some hoodies. How about two hoodies, six pairs of jeans, two pairs of sweats, some socks and fourteen shirts to make a full basket of laundry every two weeks? Does that sound good?” The caveman because actions speak louder than words, fumbles with the collection of hoodies, then places two in the hand with the jeans and unceremoniously dumps the rejected. Finally, the man trots away only to return swiftly with the exact amount of clothes Tony requested and looking like a proud puppy that successfully brought the stick back. “Are you happy with this?”

Jamie considers the bundle seriously, “Yes, I am happy.” It reminded Tony when the bots were young and actually tried to follow orders. Not that Tony really wants to give the other man orders, but the sentiment certainly feels the same.

“Okay. Let’s pay then have the store deliver the clothes to the apartment so that we can get lunch. Sound good?” Tony takes the small smile as a yes and fist bumps the air because smile.


	3. Keeping Super Soldiers is Never Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Rogers, everybody. He does things and Nat does things and there is a ninja fight in the background that is ignored because I didn't want to write a fight scene. And Jamie uses full sentences, yay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I keep writing this fanfic? It was a random thought BUT IT just keeps growing.

“Bucky?” Lunch had been nice. Chicken and roasted pepper sandwiches with fries are awesome. Watching Winter, who Tony is now completely convinced is walking blackhole, shyly devour four sandwiches and the entire chip kingdom was great entertainment. “Bucky?” Tony even got some of the tower’s paperwork signed and delivered to Pepper. There were even a couple of new design ideas floating around his head and some he could convince Pepper to sell too. “Bucky! It’s you right?” People would want to buy tick robots for reasons, right? They could do recon or something. Further, Jamie had been doing better with only one freak out this morning. “Bucky!” Good day. Good day. “Bucky?”

“You, random person, shut up!” The ass isn't even paying attention to him, Tony Stark, and is focused entirely on Jamie who does not look happy. The strange blonde tries to grab Jamie’s shoulder, or that was random dude’s plan, but instead Winter twists the arm using it as leverage to push the giant blonde away. The former assassin next move is daring and rarely attempted by many a martial artist. “Jamie, you do realize it’s pointless to hide behind me since you’re taller than me. Stalker man can totally see you.” The taller man shakes his head implying that he could hide behind Tony. Tony would argue the point if the annoying man didn’t appear to be gearing up to throw a fuss.

“You, who? Howard?” The blonde face turns into the same color as his hair, and his eyes are darting between Tony and Jamie. Tony can see the panic growing in Mr. Stalker’s gaze and instantly forgives the whole Howard mistake.

“Come now, relax big guy. Everything is going to okay. You are okay. Take a deep breath and say I am okay.”

Blonde Adonis continues to shake slightly but heads Tony’s instructions. “I am okay.”

“Good, say it one more time.”

“I am okay.”

“Great.” Jamie is holding onto Tony’s hood using his body as a wall to peer around or -in the case of a tall man hiding behind a party size man- peer over the top of Tony’s head. However, Tony does send a sarcastic eyebrow the assassin’s way imply how ridiculous it was for a bodyguard to hide behind his client. A bodyguard who was a ninja assassin! Of course, the man just shrugs and pulling the Gerber Mark 2 that he treated like a security blanket. Twirling the only piece of weaponry, he wouldn’t let Tony replace with Stark tech-weaponry. Not that Tony minded or cared. Not even a little bit. And still peering over Tony’s damn head. Whatever, time to deal with the handsy weirdo. “Umm, the sad blonde person are you lost? Can I call someone for you?”

“Sad blonde person?” Mr. Foxy is trying to frown, but Tony can see his lips trying to twitch into a smile.

“It’s either that or Foxy Stalker.” The man actually mouths foxy stalker like he's never heard a fabulous genius being magnificent before.

“You could use my name.” Mr. Stalker offered as he smiled shyly. Shy was unusual for a six-foot Olympian god.

“Sure. Names all around. I’m Tony and the man hiding in fear behind me is Jamie.” Jamie pulls Tony’s hair in childish retaliation even though the man earned the title Agent Cowardice honestly.

“His name is Jamie.”

“Yup, Jamie Winter the deadbeat knife thrower.” Said deadbeat had apparently decided that the blonde wonder wasn’t much a threat and begun to use Tony’s head as an ideal place for his own cranium to relax. Similar to a dog resting its head and paws on a table or an owner’s lap. If Jamie were a dog, he’d probably be some german shepherd and husky mix with some wolf thrown in. “And you handsome?” Did Winter just growl?

“Nice to meet the both of you, I’m-”

“Steve!”

“I’m over here Miss Romanoff.”

“Romanoff, as in, Agent Natasha Romanoff of SHIELD?”

“Это Черная Вдова, запустить Антошка!” (It’s a Black Widow, run Antoshka!) One moment it’s a lovely conversation with your local stalker, common enough occurrence, then total chaos comes out of nowhere in the form of one Jamie leaping over Tony’s head to attack spy muffin.

“Foxy Stalker, your Russian ninja is scaring my Russian ninja. Tell her to sit or something.”

“My name is Steve Rogers, not Foxy Stalker.” His face is just so stern and lecture-y. “I’m not a stalker. What ninja? Are you talking about Miss Romanoff?”

“Yes, yes. The ninjas are old news forget them.”

“I think they’re drawing a crowd.”

“I told you to forget them; they will be fine. I reasonably sure that both assassins could survive the apocalypse several times over.”

“I think some fella is taking pictures.”

“JARVIS has got that covered.”

“I think your Jamie just caused some property damage.”

“Steve Rogers!”

“Yes?”

“As in Captain America Steve Rogers?” If the giant serum enhanced boobs fit.

“Umm, no?”

“You have any other explanation for a known super agent of SHIELD to be your babysitter?”

“How can you tell she is my babysitter?”

“Please, I’m Tony Stark, and I recognize someone being babysat because everyone is convinced if you are left alone for a couple of minutes something will explode.”

“I wouldn’t explode anything.”

“That’s what they all say until the piano is on fire and Pepper is screaming bloody murder.”

“Whose Pepper?”

“Not important. Answer the damn question.”

“Fine. I’m Captain America.” He says that like being the childhood hero for millions is a swear word or something. Newton, if that moron is alive. Fuck.

“Prove it!”

“What! How?”

“Didn’t Agent Carter give you a word in case of Hydra infiltration switching plans of doom?”

“I don’t think she put it quite like that but-”

“Well, spit it out, or I will tell JARVIS to do something unspeakably to you.”

“You have a forceful personality.”

“Yeah, well, nice to meet you pot. Get on with proving me right that you aren’t really Captain America, so I can use this moment to blackmail Fury.”

“I think she told me, shame upon him who thinks evil of it, for any Hydra infiltration of doom.” Damn it. The stalker is the Captain. Tony sighs mournfully because if the Captain survived there is a good chance his memory-challenged Russian spy could, in reality, be Bucky Barnes, the perfect role model for Hufflepuffs everywhere. He's going to miss having someone made of organic matter being around making noise that didn’t originate from the genius nightmare fueled head. “Mr. Stark can I ask you a question?”

“As long as you never refer to me as Mr. Stark ever again.”

“Is your- I mean, your mother- I mean I know people say- Was Margaret Carter, your birth mother?” Now there is a question that came from behind Neptune.

“My mother is Maria Stark.”

“Yes, I know she raised you. But is it possible that Peggy gave birth to you?” The man is blushing, full on red checks and radiating embarrassment blushing which is only ever seen on tv.

“No. As far as I know there a big blonde man of perfection standing in the way of Howard or Aunt Pegs ever having a relationship that wasn’t one hundred percent friends.”

“Oh. Sorry, you just remind me of her.” Oh, Einstein, he’s blushing even harder. How is that even possible? Maybe, it’s a by-product of the super soldier serum.

“I remind you of Aunt Pegs. Are you sure you didn’t mean Howard?”

“I don’t doubt you're his son but the eyes. . .” Captain America, the one subject that Tony’s entire family could talk about without bursting into an argument, shrugged like a real person instead of remaining a comic book character like Tony wished he would. Further, the shrug was just too damn familiar by now since a certain caveman used it as his ready-made reply to everything. “Your personality, too. Dum Dum called it directed insanity because Peggy achieved her goals, but her methods were often unorthodox.” The blush is gone yet in its place is an equally bad grin like their friends, like Tony totally, wasn’t planning on stealing the man’s possible brother.

“That is probably the second nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“Second? What was the first?”

“A cute cyborg called me the future come alive.” Steve laugh is warm, and just maybe Tony understands about a percentage of why Howard was completely obsessed with the guy. Speaking of adorable cyborgs. “Jamie. Jamie! Teleport to my location like a good ninja, please.”

“Я сказал вам бежать. Человек может быть столь же опасно, как паук.” (I told you to run. The man could be just as dangerous as the spider.)

“Hardly, the man is a cuddly bear like Yogi Bear. As in the complete opposite of dangerous. Unless you are Hydra but I super confident that I am not Hydra although you’d have to check with Pepper.”

“You need to ask another person if you're part of an evil organization?” Captain America is smirking at Tony, a full smirk just on his perfect face, and six-year-old Tony would be freaking out at this moment.

“Активов принадлежит Hydra. Или я был.” (The Asset was owned by Hydra. Or at least I was.) Hydra owned him, as in recently owned him, as in Hydra is still alive.

“Why does Hydra want me dead?” The former Hydra minion, Hydra, fucking Hydra, shrugs then gives a short nod. Tony wants to yell at him about keeping fucking Hydra a secret but his wearing the sad hobo face again.

“What do you mean Hydra wants you dead?” Huh, apparently boy scout has a 'work' voice or this case a Captain voice which could prove annoying.

“Good news! I am probably not Hydra if they want me dead.”

“Солдат! Шаг назад от капитана.” (Soldier! Step back from the Captain.) The lying agent of lying appeared magically, ninja teleported, next to the Steve but this time Jamie choose to shove Tony behind him instead of using the shorter man as an imperfect hiding spot.

“Everyone calm down, and someone, please explain the situation to me.” Yeah, the Captain voice could prove annoying, don’t think clipped tones or disappointed (disgusted) looks or cruel words, and not at all terrifying.”I don’t speak Russian.” Is Captain America pouting? He is.

“Are you pouting because you are the only one among us that cannot speak Russian?”

“Stark, you can speak Russian?”

“I am not pouting.” Yep, pouting like a teenager. Ha! Jamie even snorts causing Steve to pout harder.

“Here is the situation Capsicle. Natalie is a liar. I speak Russian for a reason I am never telling the Black Widow cause her spy skills tell her everything. Jamie is probably Bucky, but the man has amnesia, so he doesn’t remember you. He apparently survived the fall due to Zola’s serum that he picked up in Italy. Once you were dead Zola, maybe, got him back to transform Bucky into the Winter Soldier through a series of horror which includes no rights, will, or memories.” The man who this entire conversation is centered around seems completely oblivious to that fact. Choosing instead to focus on keeping Tony behind him which is silly because Tony is Ironman, and Captain America is hardly a threat to his person.

“Bucky?” Jamie gives another fierce growl at the other party.

“Seriously, Stark? Childish much?”

“Really, Romanoff? Sneaking spy much?” The spy gives Tony a look, and Tony clicks his tongue.

“I saw him, and he doesn’t look the same, but I just knew. Bucky, it’s me, Steve.” Steve’s hopeful face fell into utter dejection when Jamie frowned baring his teeth. It was more depressing than a bag of drowning kittens.

Madame Lying Liar steps closer placing a hand onto the poor World War 2 relic. “Steve, as much as you wish for Bucky to be alive, the man is dead, and all that remains is the Winter Soldier.”

“Jamie Winter. Not Winter Soldier.” There is also more teeth baring and growls. Although, Captain America and Black Widow appear more shocked than frightened. Tony gives the adorable assassin a soft pat on the back.

“No! You are James ‘Bucky’ Barnes, not whatever name he picked for you as a pet.” Captain America sneered, actually sneered, Captain America is not allowed to sneer. There is a law for that sort of thing which states ‘just no.'

“Captain America is not allowed to sneer. There are laws for that sort of thing.” He did not mean to say that out loud, and now everyone is staring at him. Tony would totally step forward and deal with his misstep, but Jamie’s insisted on Tony staying behind him again. “Steve Rogers doesn’t sneer either. I’ve heard stories you are supposed to be an adorable little shit, not whatever you calling a sneering person.”

“Sneering person like you Stark.”

“Yes, exactly right doubling-dealing dessert person. I sneer, but Rogers doesn’t because he is fluffy. Fluffy people don’t sneer.”

“I chose the name, Jamie Winter.” Steve continues to frown like an unhappy cupcake, but Romanoff’s eyes have a calculating shine to them. Tony is going to have to suggest to Jamie that he might want to try some proper social interactions. “We are leaving now.”

“Now?” Tony squawks. “Are you sure?”

“Dangerous. Can’t trust either of them.” We’ll work on the whole trusting thing.

“You can trust me Bucky.” And the good Captain is back to melancholy. Tony prefers the furious face of displeasure. Anger, he knows but sadness not so much.

“Not Bucky.”

“Try explaining in bigger words Bunny Pop.” Jamie shifts his eyes at Tony doing the whole ghost gaze thing that Tony found so intriguing. Jamie huffs a little then deciding, out of nowhere he might add, to scoop Tony up like a child. “Hey! I am not a sack of flour to be tossed around willy-nilly.” The taller man smirks, like an ass, making a move as if he was going to put Tony down, an obvious trap that the genius fell for hook line and sinker. Damn handsome smirking man. “Fine. I like it up here. I can see everything, and I can finally look down my nose at people. But my love of heights is no secret; I fly around in a narrow tin can.” The smirk continues to grow wider like Tony wasn’t mad at him and planning his revenge. And a glorious revenge it would be. “Now tell your stalker how he makes you feel with full sentences, I have science stuff to do.” Jamie just lifts a brow imply Tony is ridiculous which is ridiculous.

“Bucky is dead. His ghost is dead. I am neither. You scare me.” At least the man used full sentences and without growling too. Tony runs his hand through the long dark locks as praise and reassurance. Jamie looked ready to bolt any moment. “And my name is Jamie. Goodbye.” He makes swift twirl then sprinting down the block leaving two very confused colored dots.

“Did we have to leave the poor dots behind?”

“Yep.”

“I am very impressed with how easily your running while carrying me.” They both take a jog around another block, although Jamie is doing most of the work, throwing some parkour moves into the whole mix. The thing was much fun even with the jackass radiating smugness.

Lunch had been good. Today was a good day. Too bad, the whole Steve thing was probably going to bite him in the ass.


	4. Stevesitting and Russian Laser Puppies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve weeps his little heart out all over Tony's new floor. At least he brought coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People made comments, so I am giving you all a new chapter. Worship my horrible writing with more comments.

To bite or not to bite me in the ass was the question until Tony remembered that the Universe is a school bully that stuffs people into lockers, steals your books, and reminds you constantly what a loser you are. Not that Tony ever had a school bully named Edmund Carston who insisted on calling Tony a chibi freak. Nope! Fact, people like Tony, did not get bullied.

“Tony?” Oh, right Foxy Stalker beamed himself down from the mothership into his apartment. How did he even find this place? The lease is under an alias.

“Miss Natasha called some people for me.” Fuck, the man is a mind reader, think of something extra dirty.

“Your mumbling out loud.” Cheater. Whose says his doing anything but being awesome.

“Tony where is Bucky? Can I see him?”

“Where is my breakfast? I need fuel for my genius. I don’t pull stuff out of an atmospheric bag of wonderment.”

The Captain is pulling some confused face staring at Tony like Tony was the one who is all in his face at some time o’clock. “It’s 5 pm.” Huh. He looks around for some clock or time projection thing, he needs JARVIS and not just in the temporary lab. His hero, Steve Rogers does have a watch which he presents for Tony’s inspection. Right, five. Cool. “How long have you been awake? Or did you just get up?”

Tony squints at the man trying to remember. “Sleep is for the uninspired.”

“Been awake for awhile then?”

“Nope. You woke me up. I need coffee, lots, and lots of coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.” Lo, and behold a large steaming cup of heavenly nectar was shoved under his nose materializing from the great coffee in the Mesosphere. Tony took the warm styrofoam and gulping the dark liquid. Mmmm, delicious.

“Be careful not to burn yourself.” Ha! The last time Tony burnt his tongue with coffee, it was 1994. The first sign of the apocalypse was a burnt tongue after all.

“You bought me caffeine. My hero.”

“No, I went to get you coffee because the only sign of life coming from your corpse was the soft utterance of coffee.”

“Rude! But I will forgive you if you brought a second cup.”

“Somehow I expected as much. So yes, I have a second cup.” He’s still a jerk but at least a polite gentleman jerk of sexiness. Too bad the idea of that is so far from being on the table, it’s in the next room doing the Lindy Hop. Ah, Tony Stark baggage causing headaches since 1976. “Are you functioning correctly now or should I get more coffee?” He is still an ass.

“Fine, I am operational. What do you want?”

“Bucky.” Of course, charming gentlemen callers never want the smart daughter but the beautiful eye turning assassin daughter. Tony prefers the sexy raccoon too. Hell, he even built hidden holes under the bed, sofa, and cabinets for the raccoon, which Jamie turned into little ninja nests with weapons and snacks. But then Jamie brought him coffee and cooked him yummy food. Those perfect thighs didn’t hurt either.

“I do not know a Bucky perhaps you have the wrong number, sir.” Someone must have debriefed the Captain because he isn’t wearing a befuddled frowny face just raising a single eyebrow and remaining silent. As if silence would break the great genius Tony Stark. Tony takes a sip, and Steve twitches his eyebrow, another sip, and another twitch. Sip and twitch.

“Please. He is my brother.” Oh, the guilt. Oh, the humanity. Except Jamie doesn’t want to see Rogers and the man has definitely earned the right to say no to anyone and everyone.

“No means no, Cap.”

“I can change his mind.” This time it’s Tony’s turn to frown because no does indeed mean no. And even the heroic Captain America has to respect the no.

“Jamie is scared of you Rogers.”

“His name isn’t Jamie.”

“His name is Jamie because he said it is. That’s how that works. If I said my name was Sir Glorious Ass the Third, you would have to refer to me as such because it’s my identity. If you're serious about reuniting with Jamie, you will respect his identity. If all you want is a ghost, I can give you Howards obsessing stalker movies of infatuation.”

Rogers blinks then snorts before erupting into a full body shaking laughter. The weirdo rests his head onto the half open door and even continues to chuckle as his words are pushed out. “Stalker movies? What is with you and stalkers?”

“I dated one once then she stabbed me in the back. Literally, want to see the scar?”

“God, no. I am so sorry.”

“Why? I had it coming.” Captain fish and his flapping gums stare intently before going all divine righteous being.

“No, you didn’t.” The adorable thing is, he seems to believe it wholeheartedly. Tony just wants to coo and pinch his cheeks. Maybe, buy him some soda pop and ice cream. “Umm, Tony I don’t want a ghost.” The sad face is back, and Tony wonders if some stupid force of non-science cursed him to deal with sad super soldiers of cuddly cuteness.

“Fine, I will trust you mean that, but if you do, you should call him Jamie.” Steve’s face is earnestly nodding and smiling hopefully as if Tony changed anything. Although, that bright light of hope was nothing to the full blinding beam that shot behind Tony. Coincidently the Steve Beam started the same time a long string of colorful Russian words exploded in the quiet apartment.

“Jamie, I came to see you.” Once more a tall man is using Tony as a hiding spot at least Jamie’s crouching this time around, so Capsicle has to look down, but the good Captain’s attempts to get closer just have Jamie hugging Tony’s leg tighter.

“Что ты хочешь?” (What do you want?) Tony’s curls a hand in Jamie’s hair trying to give courage through touch, which Rhodey insisted was an actual thing, and hey, Jamie 2: Return of the Full Sentences, now in multiple languages for more money making.

The poor giant is crestfallen, but Iron man comes to Captain America’s rescue. Tony’s inner child is not bouncing up and down with joy wanting to show the man his comic collection or the old beloved tv show or Bucky Bear. Oh, should totally not show him Bucky Bear. The man might question what happened to Captain America Bear which wasn’t Tony’s fault. If anyone one were going to volunteer for an experimental rocket program, it would be America Bear. “Jamie said, what do you want?”

“Oh, good.” And the smile has lifted off. I repeat, the Captain’s smile has lift off. “I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee or lunch sometime. Umm, reconnect.”

“Fuck. You two were together!”

“What?! No! He’s my brother; that’s disgusting. He used to eat sand and poke me randomly for fun. One time, he hid BunBuns in a sack of flour. He told me he was baking BunBuns into a cake because he wanted to be Peter Pan and live in Neverland for forever. I’d rather french kiss Dum Dum.” Do not laugh. Do not laugh. This is not hilarious.

“BunBuns?” Crap a snickered escaped.

“He was my stuff rabbit when I was a kid.”

“A black rabbit wearing green overalls?”

“Yeah, how?”

“Along with the photo, movies, art, and uniforms, Howard’s collection included a black stuffed animal bunny with green overalls.”

“He really was my stalker.”

“Yup. There is a shrine and everything in the old Mansion.” Both brothers, although Tony wanted Steve confirmation again on the whole dating thing, made identical ‘what the fuck faces.’ It was sickeningly sweet. “Actually, the shrine might even help you if Jamie wants to connect you to any of his old memories. There are pictures of you when you were skinny.”

“If something from the past would help, I could wear my old Captain America uniform.” Oh, dear. Why are all the handsome ones so dumb? Little Tony’s theory that Captain America only survived WW2 because of Bucky is starting to gain credibility.

“If Jamie is going to remember anything there is a higher chance of it being when you were skinny. Bucky knew you as Captain America for two or three years, but he knew skinny Steve for a solid two decades. Skinny Steve for the win.” The two soldiers are staring at each other, but Steve is more contemplative than Jamie’s broody ‘I want to stab you’ glare.

“But I wasn’t a somebody until I was Captain America.” Dumbo has confidence issues that are so endearing. Tony gives him a comforting shoulder squeeze. Jamie growls again but time for that later.

“That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. And I’ve said some moronic things.” Wait, backtrack. “I’ve heard some moronic things.” Much better.

“The only reason you got be Captain America is because you were a good person. Steve Rogers made Captain America a somebody without him; Captain America is punching fake Hitler and singing with showgirls. Not fighting against the forces of evil.”

“Please tell me that is not one of Howard’s stalker movies.” It totally is, and Tony continues to watch it when he’s not. . . happy.

“It’s not one of Howard’s movies.” Tony gives a full press smile.

“Thanks for lying to me.” Yeah, well. Tony sucks at lying. He’s talents are more for an excellent distraction, when trying to avoid the truth.

“Steve since we’re here chatting like people, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, we are chatting like people some questions are to be expected.” Little shit.

“You sure Aunt Pegs wasn’t your beard?”

“My what?”

“Your undercover relationship while you were actually getting it on with Bucky rainbow style.”

“Can’t ya talk like a normal guy?”

“I have absolutely no idea how to pull off normal. It drives Pepper batty.” This is the first time Jamie has agreed with him, although it’s just a nod, and the joyous moment is ruined forever because he's a little shit too. He is smirking too. “Жопа.” (Ass.)

Steve keeps his smile, but it’s more wishful than happy. “No. Peggy and I were real. Why do ask?”

“Well, usually when you ask someone if they want to reconnect over lunch or coffee it’s code for a date. But I get the confusion since your best pick up lines include pointing out all your favorite trash can's you’ve been tossed into by bullies. Tony smirks. Jamie smirks. Steve pouts.

“Что вы хотите от меня сейчас?” (What do you want from me now?)

“What?”

“He want’s to know what is your plan for him?”

“I just- Everyone I know or loved is dead except Bucky. Even when I had nothing, I still had Bucky.” Jamie's arm is wrapped tight around Tony’s leg; he would mention something about blood circulation, but Tony feels small tremors as well. “I’ll take anything; I don’t want to be alone.”

Tony looks down on Jamie whose shoving his face into Tony’s knee and sighs. A great heavy sweep of air because Tony’s caught between a sad puppy face and a sad hobo face. “How about you stay for breakfast-”

“Dinner.”

“Я сделать рагу.” (I'm making stew.)

“How about you stay for stew and we can have a playdate. Sound good?” Waits for long pause because talking isn’t something people did in the 40’s apparently. “I’m asking both of you.”

“Yes, that sounds like a swell idea.”

Tony gives an expectant look at Jamie. Not pressuring and projecting safe space vibes. Safe. Safe. “Я не делаю никаких обещаний не нанести ему удар.” (I make no promise not to stab him.)

Tony gives, what he hopes is, a reassuring smile. “He said that would be lovely.”

Steve grins. “No, he didn’t.”

“No, he didn’t.” Tony nods then shake his leg a bit. “Now, ninja get to making food, or I will revoke gun privileges.”

“Мне нужно мое оружие.” (I need my guns.)

“For what?”

“Для рагу решений.” (For Stew making.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might write more if some beautiful and helpful people gave me some suggestion for what they hope to see.


	5. Never Forget that Captain America was kinda of an Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bounding is all fun and games until someone burns the Soviet Spy Turkey.  
> Tony is confused, Steve is hopeful and evil, and Jamie wants more knives.

“Why does your kitchen seem to have more weapon knives than kitchen knives? Is that a 21st-century thing?”

“You ask that now? Why does that even matter?”

“I didn’t want to say anything to screw up a free meal.” Tony stares at the two soldiers still munching away at the feast for super soldier kings of eating all Tony’s food. He looks back at his own half eaten bowl, not wanting to eat anymore but Jamie was never happy when Tony didn’t finish a meal. On the one hand, he could already feel the weighted stare from Jamie who could always tell when there were food leftovers. Coffee should count as food. On the other hand, free meal Steve.

“Here Steve I’m not hungry want to finish my dinner.”

“Sure, Tony. Thanks for the food.” Jamie is unleashing his full growly frown without the growling and Tony just knows that raccoon ninja teamed up with JARVIS to make sure he does all that health care stuff. Electricity, Tony is going to figure out how to feed off electricity and coffee. Coffee is his blood type. “About the knives?” Before Tony can rant about proper assassin care involving a number of pointy sharp things, Jamie produces a knife stabbing the area of the table between Steve’s arms. The Captain doesn’t even blink. Creepy, very creepy.

“Кухня. Мой.” (Kitchen. Mine.) What happened to full sentences? Steve continues nodding right along with Jamie, who smugness is almost a person all its very own, acting like his strange antics make complete sense. Peggy did not mention Captain America being that weird although Aunt Peggy had her own unusual style. Maybe, knife stabbing is a code from the 1940’s or pod person. Rhodey is always saying that pod people aren’t a thing, but the man also insisted that Captain America couldn’t have survived the icy crash. And that even if Cap was alive, that didn’t mean Bucky was alive because soul twins wasn’t a thing. Nyenye said that soul twins were a thing because Jarvis and Aunt Pegs were living proof of that. Hell, aliens were a thing and Rhodey didn’t think aliens were visiting earth either. Except, they were and throwing hammers everywhere. Wait. Where was his brain even going with all this? Something creepy and Cap with pod people.

“Вы бы знать, если крышка была стручок человек, не так ли?” (You’d know if Cap was a pod person, right?) Tony keeps smiling, not wanting to give Pod Cap any implication that he was totally onto him. Wait, there is no JARVIS in kitchen/dining area which means no Pod protocol. Damn. Tony did not want to die a pod person especially not by Cap pod person. Aunt Pegs would be so disappointed. 

Oh, Jamie is grinning an actual grin. Not a small tiny smile. Not an almost smile. Not even an amused lip twitch that Tony has been counting as laughs. A full grin. A full grin and no JARVIS to recorded it for Jamie’s Assassin/Baby Book. “Он не стручок человек.” (He's not a pod person.) A full sentence. Tony is on a roll. Pod person? Right, Cap. Tony flicks his eyes to the blond, who is still eating even with the knife stabbed into the table and ignoring the strange situation like it’s another day in the life of Steve Rogers. 

“You seem more like a crazy person in real life than Aunt Pegs stories implied.”

“Он сумасшедший человек.” (He is a crazy person.)

“What stories did Peggy tell you?” The man is smiling but it's not quite reaching his eyes. 

“Are you sure. . .” You want to hear proof that you missed out on the life you deserved for being the champion of stupid goodness. 

“Yeah, I’m curious.” Well, Tony wasn’t one to argue with Captain America. Probably once or twice but stuff could come up. It definitely wouldn’t be a habit or anything. Okay, Tony wasn’t going to argue right now.

“Are you sure? It’s gotta suck being all 1940’s in the new millennium. All pure corn-fed wholesome goodness in the depraved modern world of technological sexiness must be hard.” Fine, he will argue with Captain America and totally make it a thing. But he’s an arguer. That’s his thing. He’d argue with Death to give him more time in the lab. 

Rogers has his arms in the air, cheeks pink, and a face furrowed in annoyance. “I was in the army. I’ve had sex. I grew up in New York City for fuck’s sake!” He crosses his arms huffing, starring Tony down, with eyes just begging Tony to deny any of Steve’s declarations.    

“You’ve had sex?”

“Yes! More than once! Why do people act like I’m some choir boy? Or the perfect soldier? I ignored the military’s order more often than Peggy did. I lied to the government several times. We were called the Howling Commandos for a goddamn reason. But the future is all; golden boy soldier boy fight our war. Golden boy soldier boy we’re not going to tell you anything about said war. Golden boy soldier boy give up your identity for the Captain America cause. Be all we want you to be.” Steve is breathing hard, his hands clenching into fists, and his face is even redder. 

“Been there done that.” Oops. The rare moment of almost honesty just slipped out. Steve will probably ignore it, his very focused on his ranting. Ranting takes a lot out of you. Tony should know, he made a career out of ranting to the media about things. 

However, Rogers doesn’t ignore it. He breathes deep and looks all concerned and wanting advice for life. Someone should have told him that Tony does not do advice, in fact, that sounds like a job for the Black Widow. Shame on her redhead. “People demanding you give up your identity is something I might be familiar with to a degree. A very small degree. Almost not at all because I am Tony Stark and no one can make me do something I don’t want to.” Jamie snorts but everyone should just ignore his face. Stupid handsome face.

“Oh, Howard.” Damn. Maybe the blond is not as stupid as Tony first believed. Why didn’t he just stay stupid? Okay, no. Smart is a lot more entertaining, even if Tony has a habit of mocking morons, but stupid would be useful to avoid feelings. Tony shutters. “I guess, People would want Howard over you.” Ouch. Press smile, press smile. Jamie smacks Steve hard, and from the sound of the thunk, he used the metal one. “No. Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Not at all. Sorry.” Earnest apologies give Tony hives, so he gestures for the soldier to get to the fucking point before there is a mass epidemic of the feels and Tony has to burn the room down. “I meant that people hate change and you replacing Howard even with his full blessings would be change.” Oh, yeah that made more sense. Cap still projecting emotions of ‘I’m a terrible person, forgive me.’ Sad Cap, stop the sad Cap face.

“It’s fine Cap. I have thick skin.” Another snort from the silent ninja, one more and Tony is revoking gun and knife privileges. “And Howard has been dead since I was 17. Everything is water under the bridge, in fact, the water is under all the bridges. No big deal. None. Let’s move on to something more interesting and not nightmare inducing. Like your sex life. I’d be total interested in hearing about Steve Rogers’ sex life.” 

“Нет Нет Нет ничего, кроме сексуальной жизни. Никто не должен знать о сексе. Для всех целей, у вас нет сексуальной жизни. Никто.” (No. No. No. Anything but the sex life. No one needs to know about the sex. For all purposes, you have no sex life. None.) Multiple sentences and two full expressions that aren’t sad or blank nothingness of ghostly afterlife. Although, the expressions are switching between disgust and determination. Tony snickers and Steve looks bemused by the affair even though he can’t understand Russian. 

“What did he say?” 

“Jamie said he is very interested in hearing about your sex life.” The absolute look of betrayal on Jamie’s face is adorable and totally worth everything. He has no regrets. Jamie glower and Tony smirks even mouthing English at the lovable gun nut. He retaliates by throwing a knife at Tony’s head but purposely misses hitting the wall instead. Tony’s smirk widens.

“Tony, you do realize that my sex life involves Peggy, right?” No, he did not realize that. He didn’t think about that at all. That is a thought that should stay in the void of never ever thinking about, where it belongs. This is why people talk about their birth in vague hand gestures. Tony doesn’t even like the squishy sciences. They’re squishy and don’t involve robots. Something must show on Tony’s face because that little shit is smiling like an angel. As if the blond wonder doesn’t know how much of an evil bastard he is. Tony regrets everything.

Tony raises a finger jabbing the digit at the bastard then pointing it towards Jamie. “Both of you, evil. Pure unadulterated evil. I will not stand for this evil in my house.” Steve just laughs. Ass.

“Didn’t Peggy tell you that I was evil?” Captain America is smirking like a cheap Bond villain, and Tony can’t decide if he wants to fanboy swoon or stab him with the knife that is still thrust into the table. Of course, Peggy didn’t say anything about Steve being the Emperor of Evil; she was too busy laughing giddily about his perfect abs and daring personality. Too busy acting like a teenage love story while carving Steve and Margaret Carter on dead Nazi bodies. Howard was useless for Intel blinded by Captain America’s beaming perfect ass. 

Damn. Steve is winning, and Tony needs to turn the tables. “No. She did not.” Tony scans his memories for some story to make his new nemesis kneel before Tony’s feet. His gaze trains on Jamie who’s happily sitting in the background sharpening knives. “She did tell me some interesting stories. One of my favorites was hearing how self-sacrificing you are like jumping onto a grenade to keep from hurting your army mates.” Jamie stills, narrowing his eyes. “Or signing up for an experimental military project which you agree to even after being told your chances of survival was only one percent.” Rogers smirk is starting to slip, and his eyes keep nervously twitching at Jamie. “Of course, my favorite story is how you chased after a Nazi using only a trash lid to defend yourself. Although jumping down into enemy lines, to charge at heavily armed guards with energy weapons into a Hydra compounded by yourself without a plan was a close second favorite.” Jamie's mouth is tight glaring at Steve who’s shifting around on his chair waiting for an opportunity to bolt.

“Ya fucking did what now? Ya said dere was a plan, assured me that ya had more sense than that. It’s fucking Hydra not dips in an alley! And a trash lid! Wondered bout the shield but, for god dammit sake, a trash lid.”

“Come on. You know me, I’m a hard sonno bitch to kill. Everything turned out alright in the end.”

“One percent. Fucking hell. It’s too late in the end.” Jamie mutters before facing Steve with the full force of righteous displeasure. Tony’s impressed he thought only Rhodey could pull that off. “Should tied ya to the bed before leaving. Only way to keep ya from being a fat-head.”

“Bucky.” Steve whines. “Don’t say that.” Jamie’s rant suddenly stops, hand still in the air, but parental disapproval dropped from his face. 

“Баки мертв.” (Bucky is dead.) Jamie swears before stomping from the room. He shouts, “Вы все еще чертов придурок” slamming his room door shut. (You are still a fucking moron.) Well, Tony fucked that up. Royally.

“Sorry, I was just planning to blackmail you.”

“Just blackmail between friends.” Steve’s smiling that’s a good sign.

“Yeah, cause we’re friends?” Tony did not mean to pose that as a question, stupid hopeful Tony wanted to be friends with his childhood hero. 

“Yeah, we are friends.” The bastard gives a reassuring smile. “Umm, what did he say?”

“Bucky is dead and that you’re a moron. Typical big brother stuff.” Steve laughs and rubbing the back of his neck. “I am sorry. I do want this whole reconnecting with your long thought dead assassin brother to work out.” A small part of him doesn’t because he knows that the moment they're BFFs again, the super soldiers will both leave. That part can shove itself where the sun doesn't shine. And for that matter, get a new voice because Tony got sick of hearing Howard's voice years ago.

“It’s not your fault Tony. I shouldn’t have called him Bucky. It just felt like before. I missed that, but I would take Jamie over the past any day of the week.” Cap doesn’t appear disappointed rather optimistic for the future. “I should probably go. Tell him thanks for dinner.” Tony nods, trying to smile but still feeling that sense of shame.

After Capsicule leaves, Tony braces himself to deal with the sad hobo and knocking on Jamie’s door. “Jamie, Steve left.” No answer. “He told me to tell you thank you for dinner.” More silence. “Want to talk about what happened?” Silence being a virtue, or something is a bald face lie. “I’m here for you. Even with the whole feeling thing.” Freaky skin crawls included. “I could punk Captain America for you.” Last attempt, going once, going twice, and-

“You don’t have to do anything.”

“Yeah, but I want to. I’ve grown fuzzies for you. So yeah.” The door opens revealing Jamie wearing his muzzle and face blank. “Isn’t hard to talk in that thing.” Jamie shrugs letting Tony into the room. Tony is not surprised to find all the furniture pushed into a corner, and another corner is filled with blankets, a mattress, and the journals.

“I am scared to die.”

“Ever one is.” Jamie shakes his head.

“If Bucky comes back, won’t Jamie die.” Tony had not thought of that. After all, it was all still his brain. You are your brain. “Rogers will kill me.” That explains the assassins fear of the blond.

“I’m guessing Bucky didn’t know Russian.” Jamie shrugs then nods.

“If you’re going to identifying Jamie by traits and memories Bucky doesn’t share than Jamie dying is only possible if you forget all that Bucky doesn’t know. Having Steve back in your life or being worried about the man doesn’t change that.”

“But I have no reason to be worried about him.”

“Yeah, you do. You might have changed, but Bucky is still Jamie. Change is part of being human. I am not the man I was before Ironman, but I am still Tony Stark. However, that doesn’t mean you have to call yourself Bucky.” Jamie nods but at least it seems his eyes have more life in them. 

“I didn’t remember before.” Tony glances at the journals, curiosity gnawing at his gut and he was sure most of his bad ideas could be blamed on his damn curiosity. There also appears to be several printed pages about Captain America.

“As long as you want to be you, you can only be you. Whoever that might be. And if you don’t want to see Steve, I will install JARVIS in the front door to squirt water anytime the man shows up. Okay?” Jamie shrugs but his eyes are doing that happy wrinkle thing that means he is probably smiling too. “Okay.”

Tony will become the Great Wall of Berlin if that is what Jamie wishes, but ignoring the whole technically being on the side of the Soviets if the metaphor is followed accurately. Although, Cap was poor maybe he would have been a Communist if he had lived through the Cold War. Plus, Berlin Stark sounds hilarious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably be the last chapter until I get inspired or someone makes a request.


	6. Shit Happens Incessantly Everyone Learns to Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fury is not amused, but Coulson probably is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone made a wonderful comment and inspired my brain to do stuff. More stuff, another chapter of things.  
> It is official; the fic is alive and trying to take over the world. Don't send help.

“He was supposed to be a fucking ghost story. Something to tell baby agents when they got too cocky. When cases couldn’t be pinned on a specific person, agents joked that it must have been the Winter Soldier.”

“We have eyewitness accounts that suggested otherwise, Sir. Starting from the mid-50’s.”  

“Agent Romanoff, the fucking Black Widow, said not to worry. The Winter Soldier wasn’t an actual thing. Should have known not to trust that tone. Should have asked more fucking questions about that failed protection op too. That’s my problem; I’m just too trusting.”

“Yes, Sir. You are the most trusting of souls, and that is why you are the Director of SHIELD.  

“The Winter Soldier was a problem that fucking should be nothing more than the spy equivalent of the motherfucking tooth fairy, not another goddamn Stark headache. I always knew he’d grow up to be a bigger troublemaker than his father. Howard’s crazy was just a mask after all, but the arrogant ass had to let Anna Jarvis, the genuine article of crazy, raise his damn baby. I’ll be honest with you Cheese if it was just the late Anna Jarvis the man took after I would have this handled. Something unexpected might occur but otherwise mostly smooth sailing. But no. Tony Stark had to go and inherit all those chaos inducing genes from each and every one of them. Howard’s genius. Maria’s sway over people. Anna’s crazy. Former Director Carter’s stubbornness. Even Jarvis’ unflappable-ness in the face of the unexpected. You can’t even get mad at the man because he inherited Assistant Director Dugan’s adorableness.” 

“I am sure, all them would be thrilled to hear how highly you value their individuality.”

“The perfect chaos demon. If anyone were going to, not only, survive an assassination attempt by a ghost and discover Hydra is alive and lurking somewhere, but also tame said assassin like the man was an abused puppy at the pound, it would be Tony Stark. Just to add another stack of crap -astic pancakes, is the fact that the adopted puppy is Bucky Barnes, famous for being unbelievable loyal.”

“Yes, the man certainly is. Historical accounts say he could have gone home, honorably discharged, but Captain America asked him to stay. Stay he did. Just so brave and loyal. Kind, too. Probably sign my sealed original printed comic books.” 

“And Tony is definitely the type to inspire loyalty in a man like Barnes. Just look at James Rhodes, an ideal soldier for the Air Force, rising through the ranks while both the top brass and the foot soldiers hold him in high esteem. Yet, the moment Tony gets seriously kidnapped, Rhodes punches a United States General because the man slightly implied the genius had it coming. People are always saying crap about the man; now he has the loyalty of an assassin who could kill me and get away with it. Fuck, they’re both even named James like some cosmic joke.”

Coulson snorts. 

“I do not need this; I have other shit do than try to keep Tony from started the fucking apocalypse. I even called CEO Potts for help handling the situation. She just laughed long and hard. Repeatedly. Finally, told me it was karma for the consultant swip I made. Said a grown man shouldn’t take his grudges out on the son. The woman is right, of course, but I still don’t know what do with the fucking mad scientist.” 

“You do deserve it. Poking at the man’s insecurities to get cheap S.I. tech is a cold move even for you, Sir. Especially, considering the very fake assessment report.” 

“I’m not finished, because, on top of it all, the Black Widow turned in a report stating Captain Rogers has made contact with Barnes and Tony.”

“I am the lead agent on the Avengers Initiative, and you won’t even let me make contact with Captain Rogers. Only the Black Widow. I should at least be the agent to inform Sergeant Barnes of SHIELD interest in the Winter Soldier joining the Initiative.” Phil impassively stares as Fury stomps around behind his desk. The agent frowns a little. “I wonder if Barnes would let me take a picture with him and Captain America. I wonder if they both sign that too.”   

“The Captain was already hard enough to control, but now he will be impossible. Fucker is already starting to shake his tail and demanding to know more SHIELD specific intel about what happened after the war. My mother fucking agents are acting more like fangirls than professionals and giving him sensitive information the Captain does not have clearance for. Next thing I know, he’ll be storming into my office demanding I hand over the tesseract to Stark, who will probably figure it out and let more hammer-wielding aliens on Earth.” 

“Stark probably would have figured out the tesseract by now. Even Selving couldn’t understand Howard’s notes on the cube.”

“Crazy fucker creates a new element and tries to name it Badassium. Badassium! I need a vacation, to shoot myself and spend some quality time in hell then come back fresh for dealing with all the insanity.”

“Assign me to the Barnes case, and I could deal with the crazy.”

“You are the biggest Captain America fangirl with have, why would I let that happen. You’ll probably scare the former assassin to hide in some bolt hole only Tony knows its whereabouts.”

“I am a professional Fury.”

“You also clocked in more than 200 hours ‘observing’ Captain America.” Coulson’s lifts a challenging eyebrow and Fury snorts. “The man was comatose for only 242 hours.”

“I am one of your best agents.”

“You are also crazy. Adding crazy to crazy does not solve the crazy. It makes it worse.” Fury, dramatically, slams a hand on the desk. Coulson's eyes the falling stack of paper spreading out along the floor. 

“I will act professionally. And the crazier the situation, the higher the chance you will send me. Thus, me dealing with Stark and Thor. In the same week.”

“You have a Captain America binder to hold your files.” Agent Coulson’s nose twitches, taking a moment to peer down at the binder in question.

“Completely beside the point.” Fury snorts and Coulson gives a small grin. “Maybe Captain Rogers would be more amenable to a relationship with SHIELD if you treated him like Steve Rogers instead of Captain America."

“The man is a soldier, they follow orders, that’s the whole point of a soldier.” Coulson holds in a snigger, keeping his face polite. 

“What orders, exactly, do you recall Captain America following that I don’t? Would it be the time he chased the Hydra soldiers from a Hungarian village alerting the central base to the Howling Commandos presence? No, I remember, he ignored the higher ups that time. Or perhaps Sir meant, the time Captain America and his men snuck through a German forest causing trouble for any Nazi or Hydra soldier they found. Nope, that was against orders as well.” Fury glares and Coulson smiles.

“Completely beside the point.” Coulson snorts. 

“You could try asking Tony Stark for help. The genius appears to have some influence over both soldiers.” The agent waits, watching Fury mull the thought over if Phil can’t meet his hero through the Director than he will have to rely on his growing relationship with a certain CEO. Captain America will sign his cards. Maybe, the good Captain will even shake his hand.

“Agent stop fangirling. Concentrate. The super soldiers could be an actual threat.” Before Coulson can request more forcefully (involving a taser) from Fury a chance to meet his hero, a nervous agent enters the room. Phil instincts are already hinting at something good.

“Director Fury, you wanted to be informed if the tesseract situation changed, even if it was small.” The poor agent is muttering something about rock being a stupid move, ‘never use rock’ and peering deliberately at the space right above Fury’s head. 

“Why? Did something explode? I do not want to ask Stark for help, goddamnit.” 

“Umm, no Sir. Hawkeye has disappeared. No one has seen him for 24 hours.”

Coulson, just knows, he is going to be blamed for this. “Did you check his nests?”

“Yes, Agent Coulson. All five nest were checked. We have no idea where he is at the moment.”

“God damn motherfucking crazy people. Why do fucking crazy people make the best agents? Why?! I do not have time for this shit.”

“Sir?”

“Dismissed. Get out of here.” The agent breaths a sigh and quickly slips out the door leaving Coulson to deal with Fury’s Wrath. Must be Tuesday. He always was more of a Thursday man.

“This is on you, Coulson.”

“I have no clue where Barton has run off to.”

“I don’t care. This is on you. I wanted to throw his crazy ass in jail, but you wanted to make him an agent. An agent who refuses to use guns for fuck’s sake. Nothing but a troublemaker.”

“He did bring in a black widow.”

“Isn’t that what I said.” Essentially.

“I do not need this shit. Where could that man have gone? I though his lazy ass liked watching the cube. The man could just laze about in his nest drinking coffee. He probably smelled that something crazy is going to happen. The born crazies can always sniff out chaos before it happens.”

“If that’s true. I’m sure he and Mr. Stark will get along famously.”

“Fuck.”


	7. Captain America's Guide to Stalking for Morons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve never gives up like a patriotic energizer bunny.

Day 1

“Steve Rogers, you’ve got this. Jamie might not like you now, maybe even hate you or worse have no interested in you at all. But. But have hope. You convinced him to be your friend when you were skinny and after you conned him out of one of Mrs. Walsh’s cookies. This time, you want him to be your friend. You got this, hell you already know some things to grease the whole thing along too. Like chocolate. I bet he still loves chocolate. Plan B will be bribery with chocolate.” 

“You encourage yourself in the mirror. That’s cute Rogers.” Steve barely manages to keep himself from floundering about the bathroom at Natasha’s sudden appearance. He does, however, manage to break off a corner of the sink. Nothing is built to last anymore, Steve muses, dropping the chunk into the trash. Natasha smirks at the trash. Steve smiles innocently and obliviously to the whole broken sink thing because it was broken when he got here. “Although I don’t understand why you’re doing it in a subway public restroom?”

“I got nervous on my way to the apartment.” The redhead sighs patting Steve on the chest, a sign of consolation, but his heard the lecture and didn't want to go through that again.

“Steve, Bucky is dead, and all that is left is the Winter Soldier, a cold weapon of Hydra.”

“Bullshit! I’ve seen different. You’ve seen different. And he wants to be called Jamie.” Romanoff pursed lips say everything, but Rogers knows he can have Bucky again. 

Steve takes a breath grasping every drop of courage then marching down the streets, up the stairs and staring down the apartment door. He’s faced showgirls, Nazi Hydra goons, and a pissed off Peggy Carter. He got shot by Carter, four times. He can handle anything. Steve faces the door hand raised to knock, and knock he would when he hears a voice similar to Peggy but deeper coming from above the door. “Good day, Captain Rogers. And apologies in advance.”

“What?” A splash of warm water smacks him in the face. Water on his face. Water. Steve looks down at the floor water dripping into a small puddle then back up at the door. “I guess today is a not a good day.”

“Goodbye, Captain. Please have a nice one.” The blonde nods before turning around shoulders slumped to head back to SHIELD. Maybe tomorrow.

Day 6

Steve touches the door lightly only to jump back the next moment. No water. He inches closer poking the door more heavily then ducking. No water. Next, he places a full hand on the door pushing a bit. Nothing. No water and no English voice. Steve grins happily and knocks on the door. “Good Morning, Captain Rogers. How may I be of service?”

“Is Bucky, I mean- Is Jamie home?”

“Yes, Captain Rogers.” That is something at least and no water on his face either.

“Can he come out to play?” Steve fights of blush, knowing his skin is getting pinker despite his best efforts, feeling like the first time he met Mrs. Barnes and her glaring disapproval. Side thought: eight-year-old Steve would probably have some great ideas on dealing with Fury.

“Mr. Winter has declined your invitation, Captain Rogers.” Steve blinks, he hadn’t actually believed Bucky would say no once all the water squirting ended. Perhaps Tony would help.

“What about Tony?”

“Sir is rather involved in a project, and his response might not be what you expect Captain.”

“Can you ask him anyway?” Jarvis agrees, and Steve waits only a couple breaths for a response from Tony.

“Sir, says ‘pressure and velocity aren’t drunk enough for this conversation and the arc reactor’s force projections states that everything is going sideways. Yet nothing is agreeing with the energy equations. I need He-man.’ Is there anything else I can help you with?” Steve blinks. Steve does not remember requiring a translator to deal with Howard. 

“Can you please translate Jarvis?”

“Sir is trying to create a stronger unibeam with the new and improved arc reactor, but the energy test isn't producing the right results. Unless you can help, Sir is unavailable today.” Today doesn’t work there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better. It is not like before, before his brother was dead. There is hope as long as Bucky is alive, there is hope. 

Day 9 

“Steve you can’t just show up at Stark’s apartment every day expecting everything to be like before. The Winter Soldier is dangerous; you could get yourself hurt or worse killed.”

“No. I know everything is not the same, but this is Bucky we’re talking about and not just another issue I have with the whole future thing. He is not going to hurt me, Natasha.”

“Yes, he could. You could trigger something that results in you bleeding out on Stark’s ridiculously expensive floor. Bucky is dead. If you keep this up, I’ll be forced to tell Fury. He certainly won’t approve of Captain America trying to score a date with a Soviet assassin. ”

“The only Soviet assassin I would want to date is you; Bucky is my brother. Brothers are not for dating; they are used as scapegoats, accomplices, or entertainment. Not dating. Never dating. In fact, why does everyone keep implying we were dating? Fury would be a better romantic partner than Bucky.”

“I think, wonder boy, it’s the whole ‘till the end of the line’ everybody finds so romantic. Especially, since you proved it by rescuing him from Hydra. A perfect example of the hero and damsel-in-distress storyline that people love.” 

“Wait. Are you telling me because Peggy wasn’t a distress anything that you more ‘enlightened modern folk’ recast Bucky as my dame to fulfill the typical gender roles.”

“Yep. Got it in one.”

“Has no one in the future ever heard the line, the only one who can mess with my brother is me. Life can be cruel and sometimes it’s just you and your brother against the world.”

Natasha shrugs. “Sibling rivalry is on the rise.” Grinning at her joke, yet the next moment her face hardens. “I am serious about Barnes, Rogers, keep this up, and I will inform Fury.”

“Go ahead. I refuse to give up. Today is the day Bucky finally talks to me.” It wasn’t. Steve got to the apartment only to be informed by Jarvis that Mr. Winter was out for the day. He decided then and there; it was time to take this seriously and maybe take a page from Howard’s book.

Day 15

If being a World War 2 relic had any advantages, patience was one and living off canned food was another. Okay, maybe a few of the Commandos might argue the whole patience trait. After all, sitting still was never a thing Steve did, and after the serum, he had too much energy some days. Once Gabe told him to jog around camp until he collapsed from exhaustion which he did. Took him two days. Two days. Steve used to hate sleep but after the serum, five hours was the longest he could stay in bed before needing to jump around the room. The future just made everything worse because there was nothing to do and the one time he tried to reconnect with the Brooklyn community, SHIELD was on his ass about national security. Fourteen-year-old Steve’s life plan did not include becoming a national secret. But fourteen-year-old Steve would have, also, been disappointed with current Steve, not approving of trying to sweat Bucky out by loitering at Tony’s apartment door. Although fourteen-year-old Steve believed Bucky when he said, Neil was just “kissing it better.” Steve rubs his face feeling the lack of food and sleep, trying to argue with his younger self-was, not a good sign. He’d win, though; younger Steve was a naive punk who thought Bucky was too brave for nightmares. Current-Steve knew different; he knew Bucky was brave enough to survive living a nightmare. 

“It might help if you started thinking of him as Jamie instead of Bucky in your head. If I can tell, the master assassin definitely can. Mind reading is a Red Room skill, ya know.” A trashy looking blonde slide from the shadows was offering a bag of kettle popcorn to Steve. The soldier shivered something wasn’t right about the other man, but the only thing that Steve could say stood out was the man’s purple tinted sunglasses sitting crooked on his nose. “Also, Jamie leaves the building plenty but never uses the front door.”

Steve blinks at that stranger, not sure what to make of his sudden appearance and insightful advice. “I’ve camped out here more to prove I’m committed to the cause; the plan wasn’t actually to tackle Jamie when he leaves. I have gotten Tony a few times, but he is an easy mark.” The stranger laughs, even falling to his knees only to continue rolling around on the floor giggling. “What did you mean before? About Bucky?”

There is something about the way his eyes peer through the purple lenses, an accepting and perceptive look, that reminds Steve of a priest he knew before the war. “You ask for Jamie at the door, but when you think about the guy, it’s Bucky. Jamie can’t trust you if you can’t respect him. Basic Human 101.”

Steve nods, Tony had said something similar, but he hadn’t taken it seriously believing he knew Bucky best and everything else was negligible. Bucky told him everything. Before the war. During, tho, was different. Bucky never said anything about Italy or Hydra or the nightmares. He never said a thing and Steve didn’t even notice Bucky’s more subdued attitude except when it helped Captain America. Bucky was Jamie, and now there were seventy years, instead of six months, he hadn't experienced with his brother. Steve hadn’t thought about that either in his excitement. Seventy years was a lifetime of Bucky being an entirely different person. But it was Jamie now. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie, his mother, used to call him that. Jamie wasn’t too bad; it was familiar at least. 

“Thank you, I will take your advice to heart, Mysterious Ghost who disappeared when I wasn’t paying attention.” Steve’s mom talked about angels coming to Earth and guiding those in need, but Steve had always taken that to be a more metaphoric concept, not a hoodie wearing one. Tony built a flying can; angels could be real. Oh well. Back to Buc- Jamie TV.

Day 18

“Hey, Rogers. I brought you more canned tuna and sausages.”

“Miss Natasha do you believe in angels?” She dumped several pounds of bags at Steve’s corner, not even pausing at the question, which Steve disapproved. Angels were serious business.

“Sure, the Angel of Death is very real. He’s currently raising a mad genius.”

“Jamie is not the Angel of Death; that’s just silly.”

“Oh, then how did you survive all these years? Skinny and stupid are not winning qualities, Rogers.” Natasha smirks and taking a seat by Steve to offer a bottle of water.

“I survived through pure Brooklyn stubbornness; I could survive a lightning strike, a Tesseract weapon blast, and vicious bunny attacks combined Natasha. Who do you know that could survive all that and be skinny.”

“Poor me, my years of being highly trained agent pale in comparison to your pure Brooklyn stubbornness. How will I ever be able to face Coulson now.”

“Obviously, you should turn in your agent's badge. It’s the right thing to do.” Steve watches as Natasha tried to hide a smile feeling pleased with the moment. Punching bags at the gym made remembering all too easy but chatting with Natasha made the future easier. “You remind me of him.” She grins, tilting her head asking who. “Bucky. Before he was Jamie. Always smiling, making a bad situation more like an adventure than a life ending problem. Even during the war, he was always saying it could be worse with aliens like in one of H.G. Wells’ books.”

“A big fan of the science fiction, was he?”

“Yeah, he was a dork like that. Just like you.”

Natasha imperiously lifts an eyebrow. “No one ever refers to the Black Widow as a dork the whole gig is built on being stupidly desirable ergo not a dork.” 

“Because a dork would never say gig or ‘stupidly desirable.’ Buck was like that too, smooth with the janes then one mention of anything futuristic put a bee in his bonnet. Science Expos or the movies didn't matter. And girls played along because Buck was a snazzy guy. In your case, dumb puns and jokes.” The redhead stiffens looking pleased, nervous, and guilty it was a strange combination that Steve wasn’t sure he was reading correctly. He hadn’t slept in awhile, and the tuna sausages were his first meal in hours too.

“So angels, why bring that up?”

“I met one wearing purple tinted glasses.”

“Purple? Glasses?”

“Yes, appeared out of nowhere, kind of like you, being all mysterious, also like you, and said some perceptive advice, like you, sometimes do. . . A SHIELD agent.”

“Probably, yeah, but he’s a birdbrain, so Angel isn’t too far from the mark.” Angels had wings like birds, did that make them dinosaurs too? “Steve I think you’ve been doing this for too long, you’re a bit out of it.”

“I will remain here until Jamie does something like pole dancing or knife juggling.”

“I should set something up to charge tickets for people to see the real life Rip Van Winkle. I’d make money.”

“Ha Ha. Now go away until I need more food.”

“Roger Captain.” Laugh riot.

Day 24

Steve had fallen asleep and not for his hour afternoon nap either but a full seven hours dead to the world sleep. What if Jamie had shown up and Steve had slept through the whole thing? Jamie had asked him to one thing, and Steve had failed! Okay, Jamie didn’t actually ask for anything. Probably wasn’t happy with Steve entrenching himself at his door but no cops ever showed. Steve was taking that as a sign of something, not sure what, but definitely a good something. Dream Steve could shove his skinny mouth full of soap because Steve had hope. 

“Captain Rogers be careful you will spill the meal.” What meal? Steve peered down at the plastic bowl and grinned wide. Not only was the bowl filled with some of Jamie’s stew, but there was also a Stark phone taped to the lid. 

The phone buzzed and a message lit up on the screen: “We can text. Go home.”

Steve stared at the thin plastic box slowly texting: “I will do everything right. I promise. I will be your best friend again.”

“You can’t. Brothers aren’t friends, their free entertainment.”


	8. Shooting Hawkeye Solves Nothing but a Stabbing Would Feel Too Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawkeye pops up to annoy Jamie. Tony wants to make a new friend. And JARVIS, to the surprise of no one, is the bigger man.

“Кто ебет вы?” (Who the fuck are you?) He quickly scanned the scene, pinpointing Tony lying on the floor and the threat as a strange man in purple sweats.  

“Я просто спасение гения от утопления в кофе. Круто, ваши самолеты ножом человек.” (I'm just saving the genius from drowning in coffee. Cool, your jets knife man.) Jamie snarls gun trained on the stranger ensuring the other man’s hand separate from his genius. Tony mumbles something into the coffee puddle; his face decidedly smashed into the tiles.

“Отойдите медленно. Руки в воздухе.” (Back away slowly. Hands in the air.) The threat smirks causing Jamie to growl, not liking this situation one bit. How did the stranger even get past security without even setting off any of the interior alarms? He motions the blond to step away from the genius, with his gun, sending the man near the living room couch. The stranger takes the opportunity to flip himself onto the couch, spreading his limbs out and making himself at home, giving Jamie a chance to check Tony for injuries. The genius seems fine, a typical example of the man collapsing from fatigue. The brunette is even muttering in his sleep about those dastardly flying turnips which were trying to steal his honey bear; Jamie can feel a warmth spread through his chest but keeps his expression stern. He flicks his eyes at the man on the couch jiggling his legs to some inane rhythm, taking a moment to shift the genius behind him resting against Jamie’s back. Winter raises the gun waiting for the small gap between the man’s knees when the legs jiggled then shooting a bullet through the gap. The stranger lets loose some colorful language and fall from the furniture in shock; Jamie preens a little, but the man jumps up beaming ruins Jamie’s good day. 

“Holy fuck! That was awesome! The only guy I know who can make a shot like that is me. Damn. The history books weren’t kidding about your mad sniper skills. Can I get your autograph? Sign it to Clint and Phil. Oooh, we could start a sniper bros club with motorcycle jackets. Nat will be so jealous. She won’t look it, but I can always tell when she wishes she were me. It is a true burden to be me. I weep for the non-Hawkeyes. Ah, but you're pretty awesome for not being me.” Jamie wanted him to shut up but had a feeling that shooting the man would not garner the results he wanted. Only Tony was allowed to babble. 

“Как вы пройти Джарвис и безопасности?” (How did you get past JARVIS and security?)

“Ты понимаешь по английски? Нат всегда издевается над моим акцентом.” (Do you understand English? Nat is always making fun of my accent.) The man leans against the couch pouting at Jamie. Hawkeye whines, “Пожалуйста, мы можем общаться на английском языке?” (Please, can we communicate in English?)

“Ответ на вопрос!” (Answer the question!)

“I am a lazy man and the lazier you are as a person, the better you are at being a programmer. I programmed my way through the AI, and he isn’t a very happy electronic butler right now.” Jamie wants to shoot the intruder in frustration, but that would accomplish nothing. In fact, he should just keep repeating that to himself. Shooting Hawkeye solves nothing. Shooting Hawkeye solves nothing. 

“JARVIS?”

“My abilities are limited, I am fine, but my security protocols have been rewritten to include Agent Barton.”

“You do understand English! Excellent. Let English rule; it is the heir to the language throne. I declare there to be no more Russian.” Shooting Hawkeye solves nothing. Shooting Hawkeye solves nothing.

“Ní féidir ach Tony dhéanamh foraithne ríoga.” (Only Tony can make a royal decree.) Jamie watches as Hawkeye’s face scrunches perplexed by his words and feeling smug at finally gaining the upper hand at whatever this visit is supposed to be. 

“I have no idea what the fuck you said. What language even is that? Some old spy code?”

“Agent Barton, Mr. Winter spoke Irish, and his exact words were ‘only Sir can make a royal decree.’ For that matter, I agree with him.” JARVIS sounds just as annoyed with Barton as Jamie is, even projecting exasperation at the blonde man. The AI was probably reminding himself that shooting, or zapping, Hawkeye would solve nothing too. Tony was safe behind Jamie after all.

“Come on. I just wanted to meet the Winter Soldier and maybe talk shop with Tony Stark. The man would totally respect the arrows.” What did he mean by arrows? Who would pick arrows over guns anyway? Guns were shiny and quick, so no one saw you coming or going. “Aww, come on man, we can talk about things like how Nat is convinced you're only playing nice with the genius to gain SHIELD secrets and spy gadgets.” Jamie snarls at the implication, Tony was his, and JARVIS, to keep safe, not a tool for anybody. 

“As if the Spider can talk, lying to Tony so he could be used by SHIELD. Tony is no one’s tool.” Jamie knew the genius had been used by someone he trusted. Never again, certainly not by SHIELD.

“What if I said Tasha feels really bad for how she acted and that she absolutely liked Tony. I could schedule a playdate-” Jamie shot the area next to Hawkeye’s feet. Oh right, shooting Hawkeye solves nothing. Shooting Hawkeye solves nothing. “Okay, no on the playdate. Come man, throw me a bone. Let’s all get along.”

“Boning who? Ja’bis?” Jamie takes a breath with Tony waking up meant things could get a hell of a lot more complicated. Tony was the type to jab danger, rather than cautiously observe it, or invite danger to live with him in New York as if the danger hadn’t tried to kill him for a shadow organization bent on world domination. Jamie may have benefitted from Tony’s flippant attitude of danger but damn if he was going to let Tony continue such bad habits. Jamie could live with that. “JARVIS?” 

Jamie watched as the genius’ cute nose scrunched up to yawn then run a hand messily through his hair. Tony’s eyes wander around the kitchen blinking at Hawkeye even frowning then bumping into Jamie when he tried to inspect the anomaly in the apartment. Winter steady the smaller man who finally notices he slumped against the former assassin and beamed up at the man. 

“Good morning Sir. We are entertaining guests.” Tony squirms to get a better look at Hawkeye but Jamie grunts for Tony to stay behind him. He had already clocked several knives strapped to Hawkeye, and he still wasn’t sure what to make of “arrows.” Jamie didn’t see a bow, but maybe the man had a tiny bow like a tiny violin. 

“Guest. Okay, nice to meet you. Who is he?”

“Agent Barton of SHIELD, Sir.”

“Great. Why is he here?”

“Playdate, Stark. Getting to know my future teammates. Maybe, have a summer bromance fling.” What the fuck is a bromance? And Hawkeye will keep a ten-foot distance away from his genius. Or stabbing. Shooting Hawkeye might solve nothing but stabbing the annoying blonde will make him feel better. 

“Teammate? Haven’t you heard, I’m not recommend for any team? I don’t play well with others.” Tony’s voice is smooth, almost business-like, and Jamie doesn’t like it. Tony’s words are supposed to bounce around or swing from topic to topic like a wordy kid on a sugar rush. Not a static beat of predictability. 

“Well, I like you. And I’ve set a precedent of adopting non-desirable partners at SHIELD.” 

“Who?”

“The Black Widow. Fury was furious- heh puns- at me. But my unique skill set means I get unabashedly spoiled by SHIELD. Something tells me, Fury has a soft spot for you too.” 

Tony pouts, removing the bland expression from before. “You don’t know me.”

“Maybe. We could build arrows together and get to know each other. Something tells me, we make awesome bros.”

“Bros? What kind?” Tony sounds hopeful, and Jamie loves the little bouncing genius but does not like whatever is happening between the two. And once more has to remind himself that shooting Hawkeye solves nothing.

“No summer bromance fling,” Jamie growls fiercely. Hawkeye, the fucking walking dead man, laughs loud and abruptly. Tony is obviously confused, but he’s sweet like that.

“I make most of my tech; I was hoping you give me some pointers like finally creating a rocket arrow, a bubble arrow or maybe a freeze arrow,” Jamie remembers how freaky the Hydra blast weapons were. Shocked by the futuristic energy zapper believing he seen everything. But trick arrows? Guns worked. Guns were swell. What did the man have against guns? What happened to a good ole bullet in between a target’s eyes? Shooting people used to be a simple affair, not like these new trick arrows thing. 

“I’m not sure how that work but bubble arrows sound fun. Maybe, I can add some of your outside the box thinking to some of Jamie’s gear.”

“Bullets kill just fine.”

“Yeah, but wouldn’t you like a freeze gun or a ray that did something awesome. Like Buck Rogers.” Jamie always wanted to grow up to be Anthony “Buck” Rogers and the future made the possibility of fighting aliens and space pirates a reality. All he had to do was replace stupid gas with a super refrigerator in his backstory, and he was set. Tony grinned excitedly, probably predicated where Jamie's head was at since the smaller man had shown Jamie the movie and the television shows. He grunts but Tony giggles.

“Fair warning, Genius, I am a lazy man.” Tony mulls something over.

“Programer?” Hawkeye smirks.

“Yep, Coulson’s little trick with JARVIS was one of mine. Sorry about that by the way.”

“JARVIS?”

“I will survive Sir; I will simply see this as an opportunity to grow as a being.”

“Awesome! Shall we get started?” Jamie did not like this. JARVIS was supposed to be on his side.

“Yeah, we can have coffee in the lab.” Jamie did not agree to this.

“Great! I love coffee.” Shooting Hawkeye solves nothing. Shooting Hawkeye solves nothing. Shooting Hawkeye solves nothing. Jamie watches the two leave smiling while he grumbles a bit before stalking after the two. Shooting Hawkeye solves nothing. But he at least wouldn’t be in Jamie’s territory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be one more chapter after this. Maybe.


	9. Notice Me, Captain America. . . And Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avengers movie clips. Sort of. Really I just wanted to write Coulson drooling over Cap, but his character kind of got away from me. Plush, some soldier boys bonding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter. Hahaha. Yep.

“Business first, swoon after. Business first, swoon after. Remember you are a professional. You designed the new suit and had made a list of good conversation topics.” Phil nods to himself, straightening his tie and smoothing down his suit jacket. Spy Black, it’s blacker than black. He shifts the classified files to one hand and knocking on the blast stained door with the other. 

“How might I help you, Agent Coulson?” Coulson pursued his lips, the AI and him had a particular relationship based on helping each other when their goals align, but that mostly depended on Coulson. JARVIS’ goals never changed and he probably wouldn’t be a help this time around. Color the agent surprised when he discovered that the main difficulty for handling the genius wasn’t Tony but the AI. 

“I need to speak with Stark. It is important.” Your move Sherlock computer.

“I would think so Agent. You rarely make a social visit; it shows poorly on your and Sir’s future work relationship. I am rather disappointed Agent.” Fury always forgets the AI in his rants; he should take more notice of the snide AI.

Coulson nods trying to be amenable to JARVIS, but the situation is time sensitive, Fury might figure out that Steve uses the gym to slip his SHIELD tail and thus not where Fury expects him to be. “I promise to make more of an effort. May you, please tell Stark I have some SHIELD business to discuss.”

“I must apologize, but Sir is unavailable, do try to schedule an appointment with the secretary.”

“Last chance, you mouthy abacus before I must insist on dealing with Stark.”

“Sir says he is occupied. Nice chat Agent, another day.” Phil smiles blandly projecting acceptance that he knew JARVIS saw through then pulling his phone from his pocket to tab a crow icon. The agents smirk, waiting for the door to open but frowning when it took longer than usual. But no matter, the Captain awaits, not for him obviously because Captain Rogers doesn’t know that he exists, but Phil watched over him while he slept. Soon, the Captain will know how important Phil is to him. 

“So they break the law for justice.”

“Yup.”

“And this Ford guy can predict the future, the Parker dame can teleport, and Hardison is Tony. Do I got that right?”

“Yup. This show really helped me to understand and live in the future.”

“Huh.”

“Yup.”

“What about the frowny muscle fella?”

“Eliot Spencer, he is my spirit animal.”

“That explains a lot.”

“Right.”

“Who do you think is my spirit animal for the future?”

“None of these folks, you’re not cool enough for this crowd.”

“What! I would totally break the law for Justice. I could be like Ford. I’m Irish. I could do the tortured look.”

“If you can pull off tortured than I’m Batman.”

“Natasha is Batman.”

“Fine! But that makes you Catwoman while I’ll just be Jason Todd, he’s the hottest Robin anyway.”

“I’m not Catwoman.”

“No, what happened to breaking the law for Justice.”

“Fine, jerk. Who is my spirit animal?”

“Leo Wyatt, punk.”

“Leo Wyatt. What? I am so much better than him I can’t believe you would even say his name.” Steve pauses in his manly pouting. “Who's Leo?”

“Charmed, show about kick ass witches, Leo is the husband of the mother witch of explosions. And totally your spirit animal. He’s got the whole I’m a happy rainbow who fights things but ultimately gets saved by his wife.”

“I’m not married.”

“Yeah you are. Natasha is your work wife.”

“A few missions do not make her my work wife.”

“Your right. You are the wife, Catwoman.”

“Can’t I be Superman? At least he doesn’t run around in a catsuit.”

“Yes, he does.”

“Yeah, it kind of is a catsuit with a cape.” Captain America sighs, it’s beautiful. “Why are you pulling a gun from the couch? Better yet, why is there a gun in your couch?” 

“JARVIS security breach.” Bucky Barnes is pointing a gun at me, Phil squeals in his head. Only in his head, never out loud. The first meeting between Coulson and his childhood heroes. Must play it cool. 

“Oh, it’s Agent Coulson.”

“I think Tony said his name was Agent, so it’s Agent Agent.”

“Oh my, Captain America knows my name.” Captain America is making a face while Barnes’ expresses nothing except a small twitch at the mouth. Crap. Phil must have said that out loud. He can fix this, show what a great agent he is. “I watched over you when you slept.” Damn. Third time’s the charm. “I designed your new suit to protect you.” The twitching of Barnes' face has increased, but the Captain is smiling, sort of.

“Just fucking laugh Jamie.”

“There is nothing funny about this. You need all the protection you can get. You are a mess. What do you want Agent?” Remember that Barnes is on Stark’s side. Giggle later.

“I’ve got some files for Stark. The situation is bad. Also, any information on the Black Widow’s location would be appreciated.” 

“Tony and Nat are doing ‘Science!’” The former assassin just used finger quotes. SHIELD a new adventure every day. Join for the adrenaline, stay for the retirement package. 

“JARVIS would you please ring the genius and the spider.”

“I’m guessing no more binge watching tonight.” Coulson wants to bounce with glee; Captain America binges watches too.

“What’s up classic cupcakes?”

“Mr. Stark, you are being called up for the Avenger. There was an incident and Agent Barton has been compromised.”

“What do you mean Clint is compromised? Coulson explain.” Coulson nods, giving each member a file describing the alien situation. 

“The Tesseract has been stolen. We a need a way to track it. I was thinking Banner would be ideal for this mission. We also need someone to be response ready wherever Loki may appear.”

Stark pushes forward almost tripping on his love seat and smiling wide. “I could totally pick up Banner. I should pick him up, genius to genius. His work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled.” Stark waves a hand in the air almost smacking Captain Rogers, who catches it, (swoon) and tries to keep still but seems to be vibrating despite his best efforts. “I also love how he turns into an enormous green rage monster. I promise to be the best I can be Agent.” Barnes, for some unexplained reason, is growling and bites out a solid no. The manic just turns to the snarling Winter Soldier, all excited, and says “Science Bros!” Coulson watches as the Soldier grinds his teeth sending daggers to the oblivious genius.

“You’ll work in teams. Stark and Agent Romanoff will get the big guy while Captain Rogers and the Soldier can be the ready team.” Barnes attitude gets colder, not a fear of injury then.

@@@

“You know for a man who’s supposed to be avoiding stress, you picked a hell of a place to settle.” Natasha is doing the whole smooth spy muffin thing, but her finger twitches every 21 seconds, what could the Black Widow possibly be worried about. That a part of her is dying every second and that a new her was created every seven years. Because Tony worried about that. Not now, of course, because who could be worried about anything with Dr. Banner in the room. The man was captivating, but he also seemed nervous with eyes switching between Natasha and Tony.

“Avoiding stress isn’t the secret.” The adorable scientist shrug and Tony really want's to talk some angular correlation of electron-positron annihilation radiation with the guy. But Romanoff was all I’m a spy, and I will do all the talking or something. Tony wasn’t going to explode anything and science bros. Science bros!

“Oh, what? Yoga?” Tony would put his money on special brownies or bongo drums.

“You brought me to the edge of the city smart. I uh... assume the whole place is surrounded?” The other scientist was smiling, but Tony knew a press smile when he saw one, and not to mention Banner was looking a little wild in the eyes. Guess the man isn’t fond of spiders.

“Nope.” Tony skips between the battle of wits and making a pose of awesome. “We got a spy squad chilling in the bushes like the professional creepers they are. I wanted it just to be the two of us, but Natasha said it was her call. Being the actual orange operative of SHIELD.” Banner is understandably confused. Natasha, however, almost looks relieved which huh. Put that thought on the back burner.

“Aren’t you Tony Stark?” This is it. The moment Tony will make a new friend and throw Pepper’s argument that he is a being from a different dimension who can’t understand a social situation that doesn’t involve booze, money, or the media. Shove it Pep, Tony is making a new friend. Now, does Banner know him as playboy Stark, Ironman, or (hopefully) as Dr. Stark? Please Einstein, let it be Dr. Stark. “I read your paper on Starkium-”

“Badassium.”

“Badassium and your conclusions on thermonuclear astrophysics were fascinating. Did you, in fact, build a miniature particle accelerator?” Yes! Tony for the win and Rhodey will love him too. 

“Of course. Miniaturizing complex technology is my specialty.”

“I thought you specialized in learning artificial intelligence.” Tony wants to hug him; the precious green bean is even aware of Tony’s pre-Howard papers.”

“Well, robots are my first love, but you are hardly interested in the potential for an actual learning robot.”

“The future of space exploration could depend on learning robots; I am very interested in the concept.” Tony’s in love, the man is not only open to the idea of JARVIS but making a crew of learning AI’s. Banner deserves a treat, such a good scientist.

“Blueberry?” Bruce smiles taking one and even starting to relax. Science bros!

“Stark this isn’t why we’re here. The missing cube, remember?” Right. Doom. Aliens. End of Human Existence. Blah. Blah. Blah. 

Tony snaps his fingers. “Want to find a WW2 energy cube that should have stayed in the fucking ocean with me Brucie-goosie?” 

“Fury just wants to put me in a cage. SHIELD thinks I’m a monster.”

“Hardly, I know what happened at Harlem.”

“Yeah, the Big Guy destroyed it.”

“No. The Hulk tried to save Harlem from Ross’ Abomination. A real monster. You, my jelly bean, are a hero. And as a hero, you should come and do science with me at SHIELD because Natasha will probably insist we do the whole cube finding thing there.” Banner scoffs, the only person allowed to scoff at Tony is Aunt Carter, how dare he. The green scientist is lucky that Tony wants to have brain babies with him. They will be wonderful and beautiful babies. “No cage, only science. I promise.” 

“Okay, sure. You haven’t lied yet, and I am curious to see how the great Tony Stark’s mind works.”

“Excellent. One more thing.” Tony pulls a miniature electrical prod from his back pocket stabbing Banner causing him to cry out. “Not even a flash of green. I wanted to see at least the eyes flash.”

“Stark!”

“It’s fine. I’m more surprised than anything.”

“Good. Good. Can you flash the eyes? I was serious about wanting to see that.”

“Play with your new friend later Stark. There is work to be done.” Tony mouth ‘you can show me later, ’ and Banner chuckles softly. The genius is on a roll this year, four, maybe five, friends. Rhodey will be so jealous.

@@@

“Germany.”

“Yep.”

“Germany!”

“Yep.”

“Steve, Western Europe is not my friend. I have no happy memories in this part of the world.”

“Yep.” Jamie punches the damn punk in the shoulder, but the ass keeps grinning.

“Why are you grinning like a moron? Ya moron.”

“You’re going on a mission with me. A mission. And earlier you called me punk.” The other soldier does appear happy, especially with the whole, grinning stupidly. 

“Why couldn’t the space Viking cause trouble in Russia?”

“Wasn’t most of your illustrious career as the Winter Soldier in Russia?”

“Yeah? So?”

“Doesn’t that count as bad memories?”

“Yeah. For other people. I was a spy-horror story, and my moves were so sweet I was called a ghost by other spooks.” Steve barks out a laugh causing a smile of Jamie’s own.

“By the way, who taught you how to fly?”

“Tony but JARVIS is the one actually flying. I figured he could give us coverage.”

“We are arriving, please ready yourselves.”

“I see the guy, Steve, and the fella is wearing some shiny gold horn thing.”

“Horns?”

“On his head. Maybe, it’s a Viking thing.”

“Horns? Isn’t that counterproductive to the whole warrior thing?”

“Yup.”

“Captain you might want to hurry, the staff is collecting energy.” Steve nods, leaping from the plane- without a fucking parachute- to shield the senior man from the blast.

Jamie grabs his new Stark gun to follow after the dumb blonde but not like before. Never again, like before. Falling from the sky, he could hear Rogers playing it up as Captain America. “You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing.” That ham is always playing it up for an audience.

Jamie tumbles to a stand next to Steve who beams and wiggles his eyebrows. Jamie, understandably, rolls his eyes. “Old habits die hard Rogers.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?”

“Standing above everybody else. . .disagreeing.” Jamie wiggles his eyebrows and Steve blushes embarrassed.

“Shut up!”

“If you’re missing you’re old showgirl days I bet Agent Coulson would love for you to put on a show in person. I bet Stalker Howard kept the costume.”

“Excuse me.” Jamie might hear Gold N’ Green say.

“Oh My God. No. Why even bring that up, Jamie? What did I ever to do you?”

“You ate the leftover curry combo meal that was to be my midnight snack. That’s stuff is damn expensive.”

“What? But Jamie, you said I could always steal food from you. I’m a growing boy.” Steve juts out his lip, making quiver and widening his eyes. Jamie has been immune to that look for decades. Nice try Stevie.

“I believe the two of you are here to defend these vermin.” Jamie barely registers Loki mutters.  

“I said that in 1934 when we thought you might still have a growth spurt and before the whole Adonis thing.”

“But I was hungry.” 

“Then feed on the fat of your boobs, Rogers.”

“Kneel!” Loki declares.

“Shut up!” Both super soldiers holler.


	10. Early Birthday Presents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of the Avengers and something must be done about Loki. And Tony adopts the Avengers.

“I want him.”

“No.”

“But your eyes say yes.”

“My mouth says no.”

“But we had a moment; I owe him a drink. We can’t have the space Vikings think we Midgardians don’t honor our word. Think of the diplomacy.”

“I am thinking about something more important, what would happen to my insanity if I let the god of chaos become buddy-buddy with the personification of chaos, not to mention my work.”

“I build things. That’s like the opposite of chaos. Cap is the disruptive crazy one.”

“Hey!” 

“I don’t understand the Man of Iron’s interest in my Brother. He threw you out a window, and I thought mortals did not look upon that favorably.”

“He called Nat a scared vagina, the Christmas Horns of Doom is not long for this world, I figured I’d let bygones be bygones.” 

“Fuck, this is just me all over again.” Jamie face palms, Hawkass must have taught him that.

“No. It’s not. You’re cuter.”

“Tony must have identified something about Loki that screams victim.”

“What could possibly say victim about wielding a glowing stick of mind control and an alien army with space whales?” Clint grumbles. 

Jamie continues, “something to sweeten the deal too.”

“Rude. I am a man of honor; I do everything out of the beautifulness of my arc reactor heart.”

“My money's on the Asgardian tech, which Thor is clueless, but Loki is probably Space Tony.” Hawkeye gestures at the two chaos geniuses. Tony sticks out his tongue and Loki, unfortunately, bond and gagged, raises a single eyebrow.

Natasha steps to the front pointing at Stark, “explain.” 

“Mostly, it’s the crazy bag of cats god is a lot more fun. Before he was a typical villain straight from some B-movie but after he was snarky. I can never say no to snarky.”

“Your fucking argument is the warmonger is fun now. Oh, well. We should just make that an official pardon, the mother fucking Fun Pardon and hand it out to all the fun villains.” Fury snip throwing his hands up in frustration.

“Sir, calm down.” Fury glares and Coulson waits. The two expertly communicate with their eyebrows and finally reach a decision. “Stark, you said mostly?”

Stark smirks, rocking on his bare feet then pushing down his sunglasses to reveal his eyes. Nat’s eyes widen a fraction and Barton swears a no way. Cap and Thor are two confused giant teddy bears while Jamie mutters to the sky that he ‘fucking knew it.’ “Loki’s eyes are green.” Everybody swings to stare at Loki who rolls his eyes.

“My Brother’s eyes have always been green.” All the spies let a fury of curses while Tony bounces on his heels, cackling. Cap and Thor are still perplexed cuddle buddies. 

“Nope. Green eyes after Hulk recalibrated his brain but when he was having performance issues Loki’s eyes were blue. Tesseract blue.” Tony gives a bow pushing his glasses back to their proper setting place on the nose. 

Fury jabs a finger at Tony. “You cannot prove that it’s just your crazy words.”

“Wrong move Super Spy,” says Jamie side eyeing Fury. 

A maniacal grin spreads along Tony’s face, and the man starts to giggle before singing, “JARVIS do the thing.”

“As you wish Sir.”

“No, Stark. No. Stay out of my network.”

Tony just hums to himself watching as each and every SHIELD computer lit up displaying two scenes side by side. One of Loki getting spy schooled by Natasha and another Loki lying on the floor of the Tower smiling sheepishly. One with blue eyes and the other with green eyes. “Checkmate.”

“No. Not checkmate.”

“Yep. Face it, Fury; I am taking the emo reindeer kid in a new package deal of gotta catch them all.”

“What are you going on about Stark. Say it plainly.”

“I am bringing Loki, Clint, and Bruce home. Of course, Jamie is already staying with me. Also, I’m assuming that Thor, Natasha, and Steve will follow their siblings home because it’s cruel to break up a family. Thus, I have the entire Avengers collection. Was that simply enough for you?” 

Fury rubs his head taking stock of Loki, who shrugs, and Clint, who looks tired and not in his usual lazy way. “I understand that you are implying that Loki was being influenced, but the man led an alien invasion.”

“Kid.”

“What?”

“Seriously, am I the only one who did the homework or made friends with on Darcy Lewis.”

“Stark! Enough with the dramatics.”

“You can’t say that Director, Tony is all about style,” Steve smirks, and Tony laughs.

“Thor, you just had your big boy ceremony?” Coulson whispers to Thor causing the god’s to clear in understanding. 

“Ah, yes. You could say that.”

“One more question for the witness, Loki is the younger brother, correct?”

“Stark!”

“Aye. Loki is my younger brother.” The Labrador God beams at the snide Kitty God and is promptly ignored. Natasha, at least, pats Thor on the back.

“There you go judge; I plead that my client be tried as a juvenile and given community service. Further, the investigation force should be focused on this hidden enemy. I’m naming him the Inertial Destruction.”

“Stark are you really trying to suggest Loki is innocent? And you may be a lawyers’ dream but a lawyer you aren’t.”

“No. But I could get a team of them here before you could say ‘Curse you, Tony Stark.”

“He’s right, Director. If Loki was controlled by another, just like Agent Barton, then the man is innocent.” Captain America to the rescue.

“Further, Sir, I wouldn’t call what Loki did as leading and more monologuing in the general direction of an alien invasion.” Fury’s face screams of betrayal as Natasha speaks. 

“Fine. You get Loki. Take the crazy mother fucker off my hands. I don’t care, and you can even take the genius rage monster too. See if I care. I don’t have time for this shit I have real world things to do. But, why would I let you take Agent Clint Barton?”

“No offense but SHIELD is a bag of dicks.”

“Yeah, no argument.”

“Dicks are not nice to anybody especially to people who blow them up even if there is a reasonable explanation for the fireworks.”

“They’re fucking gossips too. Never can get them to shut up.” Fury sighs judging the pale pallor of Clint’s skin and how Natasha had been giving the archer reassuring touches.

“I can’t just let you take two of my best agents even with the whole Avengers thing. I have a reputation Stark.” Tony nods, knows where the man is coming from being the Super Spy involves a serious fear factor for the minions.

“I could call Aunt Pegs for an early birthday present.”

Fury nods. “That could work.”

“Hey!” I’m not a rich man’s gift.”

“I will pay you in arrows and coffee while your twin from another mother will be paid in Bond spy gadgets and pointy things.”

“Deal.” Natasha lifts a brow. “Come on, Tasha. Coffee and Stark made pointy things for you.”

“I do like Stark pointy things.”

“Great. I will write up the paperwork.” Coulson smiles at the group.

“What will I tell my Father?”

“Nothing. Runaway from home. Young adult angst and teenage rebellion are in, join the trend Pikachu.” Thor contemplates the idea staring at Loki. “We have Jane.” Tony sing-songs.

“Aye! Let there be a rebellion.”

“Awesome, party at my house.”

Fury gives it three days before something explodes in his face or the group start the actual apocalypse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. I have a main fic to finish, I might, however, add other stuff later. If given an idea or two.


End file.
